Ok, so if I got here at 10, and it’s 230 now, that makes 3.5 shifts of nothing. I am so tired of complaining about it. The boss just came in and I was telling him that he needs to move the place back to a more discreet location, cause this is bullshit. Isn’t this province supposed to have a booming economy right now or something? Bah! I asked him about one of the other girls who asks for a lot more than I do, and always seems to get it, while I’m always getting argued down. “She gets it cause she loves sex. She really honestly enjoys the work! And every time she goes in session the matress comes off the damned bed!”  I guess that makes sense, then. I don’t enjoy it. I mean, I’m pretty good at faking it, and I’d go so far as to say that most sex workers don’t regularly orgasm with clients. But now I just feel like shit. Like, I should be a better actress, I should have a higher sex drive, I should be shorter or skinner or less hairy or whatever. None of these things are going the change about me, and I know if I just present them the right way I can make bank, that is if anyone comes in the damned door.

Speaking of feeling like shit when measuring myself against other sex workers…it seems like most sex worker blogs out there are written by folks working on the higher end of the industry. I’m not surprised, for a number of obvious reasons (class, education level, race…) tbat I don’t really feel like writing about. But it leaves me feeling like I should have it figured out better. There was an article in an old issue of $pread about “money management for escorts,” that framed pricing in terms of hours per week and a yearly salary goal. Unfourtunately, this article made two assumptions I just can’t make: that $400/hr is “low end,” and that the reader has a steady stream of serious clients and regulars. If you’re going to publish shit like that, why not just call it the “Ladies Home Whore Journal.” I’m not really involved in the first world sex worker activist millieu, though I was involved in a group when I lived in a town that had one. They were mostly currently working as internet-based escorts, though some had street worked, stripped, and worked at brothels before. They were also all women, including one transwoman. I really enjoyed and benefited from working with that group, especially since it was right when I started doing sex work. Yet, in all, I felt alienated by the uniformity of experience.

I find that uniformity in a group setting begets insecurity- if everyone’s the same, and you’re not, how easy is it going be to stick around? However if you have a group coming together from a number of different perspectives, the microculture of that group will be more suited to working around difference. I’m really tired of feeling alone, and more than that I’m tired of feeling like I’m failing at this in ways I don’t even understand.