First of all, I’d like to dedicate this hangover/post to Robbie Burns:

All hail! inexorable lord!
At whose destruction-breathing word,
The mightiest empires fall!
Thy cruel, woe-delighted train,
The ministers of grief and pain,
A sullen welcome, all!

With stern-resolv’d, despairing eye,
I see each aimed dart;
For one has cut my dearest tie,
And quivers in my heart.
Then low’ring, and pouring,
The storm no more I dread;
Tho’ thick’ning, and black’ning,
Round my devoted head.

And thou grim Pow’r by life abhorr’d,
While life a pleasure can afford,
Oh! hear a wretch’s pray’r!
Nor more I shrink appall’d, afraid;
I court, I beg thy friendly aid,
To close this scene of care!
When shall my soul, in silent peace,
Resign life’s joyless day-
My weary heart is throbbing cease,
Cold mould’ring in the clay?
No fear more, no tear more,
To stain my lifeless face,
Enclasped, and grasped,
Within thy cold embrace!

A toast or ten for whom on which I can blame my bleary-ey’d state. (<is that even a sentence?)

Whore-hunting amang groves o’ myrtles:
Then bowses drumlie German-water,
To mak himsel look fair an’ fatter,
An’ clear the consequential sorrows,
Love-gifts of Carnival signoras.

Yesterday I actually had two guys in- good thing since I’m going on holiday soon and need the fucking money! The first one was a really big guy, like he reminded me of someone and I realized it was Jabba the Hut. This probably is coming off as fat-phobic, but really that’s who he reminded me of. Yet he didn’t really gross me out much- clean and well kempt, and he wanted to cuddle afterwards. The second one was tiny! I thought for the first 15 minutes I was going to break him! Or that I was breaking the law. Ok, breaking another law. The dude seriously didn’t look older than 16, minus the facial hair, which was scraggly, and had the build of a 12 year old girl. And he was really really nervous. I wish I were good at animation, because the two of them juxtaposed would be a hilarious image.

I am so ready for this holiday. Even when I do get clients, I can’t really muster up the energy to act that well, and probably come off as bored. In my social life, I’ve walked away from so many conversations that are too hard to have. I just can’t/don’t want to be arguing politics all the time. And there sure is plenty of opportunity. Maybe it’s over a liberal friend’s claim that Iraq is quantitatively “better” now after the US invasion (“they raised a statue of that thrown shoe! Under Saddam, that guy’s family would be dead now! There’s freedom of speech and voting!” ). Or maybe it’s over whether sex reassignment surgery should be covered by insurance (“I’m all for the trans thing, I don’t want to be paying for someone else’s cosmetic surgery”). Or even an arguement regarding whether Nazis, Soviets, and the IDF are “cool” because they “kill lots of people, and death is cool.” (I’m not making this shit up)

It’s getting a little lonely in this corner over here, one I’m used to being filled with varied trans, queer, sex worker/ally, anti-zionist, jewish, anarchist, POC, fem/womanist radicals. I put myself here and I plan on staying, it’s just be trying to feel surrounded on all sides sometimes. I wonder if I would be able to maintain my sanity if not for the ability to come home and read blogs and articles I agree with on the internet. Would I still challenge myself? Would I renounce the stances that are so dear and validating to me, just to fit in? Would I end up agreeing with everyone around me that I am a crazy bitch? Who knows. I may be a luddite at heart, but this is the internet age, and I will never know what it’s like to travel without the existence of modern telecommunications.

Thank the gods for that.

Advertisements