You know when you have a conversation about something you’ve spent so much time thinking about, with someone you don’t expect to have any important imput, and end up feeling like you’re just repeating the same shit as you have a million times and just want to talk about something else? How about when that’s what you THINK is happening, and this person actually makes a simple point that you hadn’t considered?

Oh, I know you know.

Last night, hanging out with a friend at his work, we got into a discussion about sexuality and feeling burnt out on traditional “sex.” He was lamenting that he really just wants to cuddle lately, and I that I almost never trust anyone enough to explain to them exactly what I want. Or even know what I want. And also that I’m just not interested in the whole makeout-oral-intercourse progression, with a partner of any gender. I have to perform this conventional play of sexual desire so often for work, there is no mystery to it. And my past (and vast) experiences of it in my personal life have been consistently unrewarding. I’ve repeated this to so many people, my friend says

You know, you should have your own sexuality, too, you know? You’re my friend, and I want you to be able to express that, because it’s important.

me: (slightly put off) You’re assuming I don’t think about this constantly…

But I really haven’t put enough thought into it lately. I’ve taken for granted that the things I do for work I just won’t do for fun. I’ve drawn boundaries that are becoming obsolete. What form my desire takes really depends on the person I am with, lately going at it alone has been pretty awesome, but sometimes gets boring.

Today I had my first strap-on client. I’m really horrible at being a pro dominant, but this guy was really communicative and easy to deal with. Midway into the session, which he extended and I had to end after an hour and a half cause I was getting tired, I realized that this guy has probably never expressed what he told me to any of his girlfriends. He kept describing pretty typical s/m fantasies then saying “…have you ever heard that before?” or “is that weird?” I’m almost positive he’s going to come back in, and might even buy me some corsets and shit (score!). This kind of client I can’t help but like, for now. It’s hard to have what’s considered a “deviant” sexuality. Like has been thoroughly covered in Renegade Evolution as of late, there are a LOT of people who think that kinky sex is wrong. Whether describing us as “mentally ill,” “unfeminist,” “oppressive,” “unfit to parent,” “disgusting,” “sick,” there is always someone to point the finger at those of us who are into sex that doesn’t fit their definition of “proper.” The same logic has been applied in the past to queers, sex workers, even people engaging in oral sex. Who does this serve? Who is benefitting from stigmatizing people engaging in consensual sexual acts? Where do they get their “moral standard,” and what exactly is it protecting?

My second client was one I’ve seen before, talkative and easy to deal with. He was going on about going to one of the E bars in town last night and not being able to get it up after drinking. He had me jerk off and I got really into it. This is a complete anomaly for me, first because it’s in front of a random middle aged dude, and second because I almost always need a vibrator to get off. I didn’t let myself have an orgasm, it didn’t feel right, but I could have. WTF? Afterwards I wondered, is this a violation of my own boundaries? Is it going to fuck me up? Have I worked enough at this point that it barely matters? Work is the only place where I not only feel comfortable making noise, but make more money if I do. So screaming like mad, which I’ve been really uncomfortable doing in private before, becomes a business tool. And it’s fun. In the few times I’ve hooked up with anyone lately, I’ve felt a lot more comfortable making noise. In this way, work has been a boon for my sexuality, normalizing what has been taboo. Talking about sex openly and explicitly, expressing specific desires, these things have become far easier in the past few months. Before this gig, I worked so irregularly that there was no way to get in the groove of it.

My typing hands are getting tired, but all in all, I’m feeling pretty posi.